Fun
Johny Johny Reloaded
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European English :
The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.
As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as "Euro-English".
In the first year, "s" will replace the soft "c". Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard "c" will be dropped in favour of "k". This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troublesome "ph" will be replaced with "f". This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.
In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.
Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.
Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent "e" in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.
By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as
replasing "th" with "z" and "w" with "v".
During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary "o" kan be dropd from vordskontaining "ou" and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.
Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru..
Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.
If zis mad you smil, pleas pas on to oza pepl
Nothing obscene here !
A cop was patrolling late at night in a well-known spot.
He sees a couple in a car, with the interior light brightly glowing.
The cop carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.
Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.
He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.
Puzzled by this surprising situation, the cop walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.
The young man lowers his window. 'Uh, yes, Officer?'
The cop says: 'What are you doing?'
The young man says: 'Well, Officer, I'm reading a magazine..'
Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the cop says: 'And her, what is she doing?'
The young man shrugs: 'Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails.'
Now, the cop is totally confused. A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in a lover's lane ... and nothing obscene is happening!
The cop asks: 'What's your age, young man?'
The young man says: 'I'm 22, sir.'
The cop asks: 'And her ... what's her age?'
The young man looks at his watch and replies: 'She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.'
Boss is Always Right
Hi Friends,
A Junior Software Engineer, a Senior Software Engineer and their Project Manager are on their way to a meeting.
On their way through a park, they come across a wonder lamp. They rub the lamp and a ghost appears. The ghost says, "Normally, one is granted three wishes but as you are three, I will allow one wish each".
So the eager Junior Software Engineer shouted, I want the first wish. I want to be in the Bahamas, on a fast boat and have no worries. "Pfufffff" and he were gone.
Now the Senior Software Engineer could not keep quiet and shouted "I want to be in Florida with beautiful girls, plenty of food & cocktails. "Pfufffff" and he were also gone.
The Project Manager calmly said," I WANT THESE TWO IDIOTS BACK IN THE OFFICE AFTER LUNCH AT 1.30PM"
Moral of the story:
"Always allow the bosses to speak first."
Look how our SMART MANAGERS work...
Look how smart are Project Leaders! ................ :-)
Appraisal letter :-
Dear Manager (HR),
Sumanth, my assistant programmer, can always be found
hard at work in his cubicle. Sumanth works independently, without
wasting company time talking to colleagues. Sumanth never
thinks twice about assisting fellow employees, and he always
finishes given assignments on time. Often Sumanth takes extended
measures to complete his work, sometimes skipping coffee
breaks. Sumanth is a dedicated individual who has absolutely no
vanity in spite of his high accomplishments and profound
knowledge in his field. I firmly believe that Sumanth can be
classed as a high-caliber employee, the type which cannot be
dispensed with. Consequently, I duly recommend that Sumanth be
promoted to executive management, and a proposal will be
sent away as soon as possible.
Signed,
Project Leader
And then read the second mail, which was sent immediately after the first
one !!!!!
In second mail, the same manager wrote:-
NOTE:-
That stupid idiot was reading over my shoulder when I wrote the report
sent to you earlier today. Kindly read only the odd lines (1, 3, 5, 7,
9,11, 13)
for my true assessment of him.
Truly Signed,
Project Leader
Harddrive weight increasing....
http://social.answers.microsoft.com/Forums/en-US/vistahardware/thread/720108ee-0a9c-4090-b62d-bbd5cb1a7605
Life ke funde...hilarious...!!!
"U love someone
U marry someone else..
The one u marry
becomes ur wife or husband
And the one u loved
becomes the password of ur mail id"
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There's only one perfect child in the world & every mother has it.
There's only one perfect wife in the world & every neighbor has it.
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Three dreams of a man:
To be as handsome as his mother thinks.
To be as rich as his child believes.
To have as many women as his wife suspects...
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Husband & wife are like liver and kidney. Husband is the liver & wife the kidney.
If the liver fails, the kidney fails. If the kidney fails, the liver manages with other kidney.
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Generation Next Motto: Na hum shaadi karenge, na apne bachchon ko karne denge.
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What's the diff between Dava & Daru?
Dava is like a girlfriend, that comes with an expiry date and
Daru is like a wife, Jitni purani hogi utna sir chad ke bolegi.
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Wife ko Begum kyon kehte hain?
Kyonki shaadi ke baad saare gum to husband ke hisse mein aate hain or
wife Be-Gum ho jaati hai.
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The Japanese have produced a camera that has such a fast shutter speed
it can take a picture of a woman with her mouth shut!
SIDE EFFECTS of working in the IT sector ! --- hillarious
Bhavik
I once went out to the market wearing my Infosys ID card and did not realize till my friend told me why I was wearing it !!!!
Ashok
few days back I slept at 11:30 in the ni8 and woke up in the morning at 7:00 and suddenly thought that I haven't completed 9.15 hours and laughed at myself when I realised abt that.
Jyotsna
One from me too...
Just after our training completion in Mysore Dc and postings to Pune, me and my friends went out for dinner in one of the best restaurants..
And as I finished.. I started walking towards the Basin with plates in my hand.. :)
Abhijeet
Jus to add...
Once I was on call with my father and mom was not around. I went on to ask, "why is she not attending the status call?"
Anup
I don't login to orkut, yahoo, gmail, youtube, etc.. at my personal internet connection at home... thinking it will be blocked any way.
Till I realize - I am at home.
Rohit
Yeah sometimes it do happens with me also............while writing personal mails also.........I jus use the way as if I am writing to onsite or some senior person........
Jus forget that we are jus mailing our friends..............
And keeping hands in front of tap for waiting water to drop by itself is very frequent with me...............I jus forget that we have to turn on and off the tap...........
Nidhi
Awesome!!
Once after talking to one of my friend. I ended the conversation saying ..." Ok bye...in case of any issues will call u back"
(Hilarious!)
Nisha
Sometimes when I mistakenly delete a message
from my mobile, I hope for a second, maybe its in the recycle bin
Farina
I was about to throw my hanky into the bin after drying my hand.
Bhabani
Once I was flashing my ID card instead of unlocking the door with the keys.
Nisha
Kinda a same experience for me too..
I gave my office mail id and pwd to access Gmail and wondered when did they become invalid???
Sandy
I have a experience to share tooo .. I was earlier working at the back office of an international Bank. We used to 'dispatch' lot of Credit / Debit cards and statements for the customers and track its delivery later.
Once my granma was admitted in a hospital, my team mate once casually asked me " howz ur granma doing now ? still in hospital ? " ... and i replied to her " She is better now , she will dispatched from the hospital tomorrow !"
This was followed by a loud laugh in the entire bay !
Sandeep
Once I went to a pharmacy n asked for a tab....pharmacist asked whr I want 250mg r 500mg.....suddenly I replied as 256mg...lol....thank god he didn't noticed tht....
Ashwin
Me getting a thought of doing an Alt+Tab while switching from a news channel to the DVD while watching TV.
Vidyarthi
And I - after a forty hour marathon in Bhubaneshwar with Powerbuilder, decided to take a break and went to a movie. In the middle of the movie, when I wanted to check the time, I kept repeatedly glancing at the bottom right corner of the silver screen!
Venu
Few of my friends and myself decided to go out for dinner. The place wasn't fixed yet. I said we shall decide it "run time"
Krishna
When I went to a movie theatre from office directly.. I showed the guy at the entrance my ID card and walked in... he had to call me back asking the ticket...
Rama
One late night when I went home after work, I was trying to flash my id card to open the lock and only after few secs, I realised what i'm trying to do
Sridhar
Once I went to have juice at the local juice vendor and innocuously asked him whether he had a plain 'version' of lemonade.
Arun
Few years back my shogun engine stopped on Bangalore MG Road as the petrol came to reserve. I told my friend I need to restart my bike!
Satya
The other day I was hearing one guy talking of a "Standalone" house.. when he was actually intending a independent house... Poor broker shud have tuff time trying to find a " Alone house standing in a huge empty area... " don't know what interpretations the guy must have made.
New exam pattern based on IPL rules
Cricket has reached exciting levels with IPL....
Infusing the same thing into exams, some suggestions:-
1. Reduce exam duration to 20 mins.
2. Introduce strategic break after 10 minutes .
3. Give free hit, that is a chance for students to frame their own questions and write answers.
4. 1st 15 minutes power play, that is no invigilator in the exam hall for students to score heavily.
5. Introduce fair play awards like giving an answer sheet to your friend when he requests for it.
6. If any wrong question or out of syllabus question is asked, then you can give any answer for the next question
7.Cheer girls to cheer for every correct answer written....!!!
IF YOUR BOSS COMES AND TELL YOU THIS YEAR NO BONUS, No Appraisal, NO INCREMENT, LEAVE CUT, PAY CUT?
WHAT SHALL YOU DO ??
Greatest Paradox!!! Align this one with your Appraisal. Company Vs Personal
Many years ago, a Law teacher came across a student named RAHUL who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees. Rahul struck a deal saying, “I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court”.
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.
When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, Rahul reminded him of the deal and pushed days.
Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the Rahul in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying: “If I win this case, as per the court of law, the Rahul has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, Rahul will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money”.
Equally brilliant, the Rahul argued back saying: “If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don’t have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don’t have to pay him because I haven’t won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything”. This is one of the greatest paradoxe ‘ s ever recorded in history.
Greatest Paradox!!! Align this one with your Appraisal. Company Vs Personal
Many years ago, a Law teacher came across a student named RAHUL who was willing to learn but was unable to pay the fees. Rahul struck a deal saying, “I will pay your fee the day I win my first case in the court”.
Teacher agreed and proceeded with the law course.
When the course was finished and teacher started pestering the student to pay up the fee, Rahul reminded him of the deal and pushed days.
Fed up with this, the teacher decided to sue the Rahul in the court of law and both of them decided to argue for themselves.
The teacher put forward his argument saying: “If I win this case, as per the court of law, the Rahul has to pay me as the case is about his non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, Rahul will still pay me because he would have won his first case. So either way I will have to get the money”.
Equally brilliant, the Rahul argued back saying: “If I win the case, as per the court of law, I don’t have to pay anything to the teacher as the case is about my non-payment of dues. And if I lose the case, I don’t have to pay him because I haven’t won my first case yet. So either way, I am not going to pay the teacher anything”. This is one of the greatest paradoxe ‘ s ever recorded in history.
Truth about IT Professionals
*10% of IT Professionals are predicted to be affected by major diseases like Carpal tunnel syndrome, heart diseases etc
*20% of IT Professionals marry their co-workers (Oh, no!!)
*30% of IT Professionals are interested in Live in relationship because they tend to hate the responsibility both in office and house
*40% of IT Professionals are confused about settling down (India or abroad) K K
*50% of IT Professionals has No savings in their Bank Account (oops)
*60% of IT Professionals are not satisfied with their current wages
*70% of IT Professionals work more than 8 hours across globe
*80% of IT Professionals live away from their Parents L L L
*90% of IT Professionals are NOT HAPPY about their Life, meeting deadlines, client satisfaction, incentives, promotions, increment, onsite trips, wife, children, visa status, and commitments
*100% of IT professionals wish they had a choice other than computers in their life at least once in their lifetime.
I m just a stupid Common Software Engineer.....Very True......
Last Evacuation Drill - Gotta be Careful
XYZ Office -> A fire alarm rang at 6 PM when almost all shift employees
are in office(approx 5000). As usual entire office was evacuated within
3 mins & every employee gathered outside office. 10 mins
passed..................................5 more mins passed.
Security Officer -> Announcement started, "Dear Employees - With melting
heart I am making this announcement that for many of you it will be a
last evacuation drill, as we are laying off almost 80% employee. While
moving in who-so-ever ID card won't work are lay off & all their
belongings will be couriered to them tomorrow. We followed this
approach as we don't want to fill email box size with layoff mail in
thousands & also to avoid any fight inside office". Hope you have nice
career ahead. Please move in & try your luck.
Moral:: Be Careful!!....
Corporate Culture
No financial crisis here!!!!! NO Recession
No financial crisis here!!!!! NO Recession
Have stopped talking to female friends from start of this week!!!! Still you guys???
Do see: Couples seen on V-Day will get married - By Ram Sena
Late Working!!!
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http://vimeo.com/moogaloop.swf?clip_id=1778399&server=vimeo.com
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